ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. >> AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. >> AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye. >> BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. >> BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. >> CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. >> DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" >> DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove' all the germs. >> ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. >> EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. >> ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. >> ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. >> FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. >> LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal' side. >> NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. >> PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. >> PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. >> PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. >> PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. >> TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
=========================================================================== More humor that is supposed to bring good luck. IMPORTANT: Do not keep this message, pass it on to five people. * Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? * Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * I heard sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the ocean would be without them? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? * If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? * If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? * Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? * Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? * You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? * Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? * Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest das company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? * These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. * BUT, that same year, 1923, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and most other PGA tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF __________________________ GO NAVY!!! Believe it or not, this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. CND reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course! US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!! CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call. This is long, but some parts are really funny (to me anyway). _________________________________________________________________________ Dilbert Newsletter 12.0 ----------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams Date: August 1996 (Use Courier 12 point font for proper formatting) Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - True Tales of Induhviduals - Practical jokes for the office - Scott's trip report for The Dilbert Principle - Dogbert answers my mail ------------------------------------------------ DNRC Status ----------- Every one of the 135,000 members of DNRC continues to get smarter and sexier with each issue of the newsletter. Coincidence? Hardly. Each sentence you read here is designed to tone your brain and stimulate the release of potent pheromones. I know it's working because I'm on an airplane as I write this and a woman in a blue outfit offered me a pillow and a blanket. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to know what she's thinking. If this trend continues we might have to require the people who are not in the DNRC (the Induhviduals) to keep themselves sealed in airtight plastic bags so they don't sniff our pheromones, go into heat and start clinging to our legs in a most unsightly fashion. I don't have to tell you that it would be a tragedy to put six billion Induhviduals in airtight plastic bags, because the first thing you know, someone in the DNRC will want to keep a sandwich fresh and there won't be any plastic left. Responsibility -------------- When Dogbert conquers the planet and makes all the Induhviduals our domestic servants, you will take your place as the new ruling class. With this power comes certain responsibilities. Luckily, since we'll rule the world, we can ignore those responsibilities and issue generous stock options to ourselves whenever we're feeling blue. Unknown Induhviduals -------------------- I'm writing this section of the newsletter on my laptop computer while sitting in the Orlando airport. The announcement on the public address system keeps saying, "Please don't accept any packages from unknown Induhviduals." Apparently this is a big problem in Orlando. I've gotten three packages from Induhviduals since I sat down. They're hideous things, made of carpet and bits of old newspapers, held together by bailing twine, stinking of french fries. And that's just the Induhviduals themselves -- the packages look worse. DNRC Currency ------------- After Dogbert conquers the planet, there will be one type of currency: a big steel penny, about the size of a flapjack and weighing four pounds. Dogbert's picture will be on one side and his waggish tail on the other. It will be called the pennybert, worth the equivalent of one cent U.S. DNRC members won't need money after the conquest, since we'll own everything. The new coins will only be used to make life more difficult for the Induhviduals. If one of them asks us for some illogical or unreasonable favor (as they are inclined to do) we can say, "Let's flip a coin." If the Induhvidual succeeds in getting the coin airborne, there's a reasonable chance that it will knock the Induhvidual unconconscious on the way back down. And that can be good for a laugh. It's not sophisticated humor, granted, but it only costs a pennybert. Each pennybert will carry a phrase that was suggested by a DNRC member who is studying Latin but hasn't gotten to the advanced courses yet: Ille Albus Canne Vinco Homines That either means, "The white dog conquers humankind," or it means something that several people told me I couldn't say in this newsletter, despite the fact that it is very funny. So supply your own joke here, please. Clues for Induhviduals ---------------------- The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should help a lot. 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat. 7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. 10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. 11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. Practical Jokes for the Office ------------------------------ >From DNRC operatives: Prank #1: Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2: Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist. If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free. For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations. Prank #3: Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music. Prank #4: Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple." Prank Report: (a DNRC field report from a mission completed) An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion. Induhviduals Calling Tech Support --------------------------------- ...another true tale from tech support: Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Induhvidual: "How do I know when it's ready? True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- These true tales of Induhviduals have been reported by DNRC members: My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" ----- A co-worker was playing with an astronomy program called 'Distant Suns' when an Induhvidual walked by, noticed his monitor and inquired what he was doing. He replied that he was connected to the Hubbell telescope and was manipulating its view from his keyboard over the Internet. He even let this person take a try at moving our NASA's multi-million dollar telescope himself, just by clicking the mouse and the arrow keys! The person could not pry himself away, thinking he was working with the Hubbell and could not wait to tell his wife what he had done at work. ----- An Induhvidual in my office was having trouble with his e-mail. I overheard him discussing the fact that people to whom he had mailed things yesterday had not yet received the messages. I asked about the e-mail "outbasket" and he replied that there was nothing there because he had cleaned it all out this morning. A stunned silence followed while I attempted to not laugh, and then I asked him if he meant that he deleted everything in the outbasket. Yup. Oops. It must be rough being the new guy. ----- Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. Hey, interns work free. ----- I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents. [editor's note: Maybe there was some confusion over the phrase "screen saver." ] ----- One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" ----- This Induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. ----- I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich. [Editor's note: No, I don't believe this one either.] ----- I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The Induhvidual who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" ---- Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from Induhvidual: "How do they know what size screen I have?" ------ A fun thing to write on a restroom stall, if in fact we were people who write things on restroom stalls: Left wall: Right wall: -------------------------- -------------------------- INDUHVIDUAL NECK EXERCISES INDUHVIDUAL NECK EXERCISES see other wall see other wall Induhvidual Song ---------------- DNRC Saint Diana Wales submits this song for Induhviduals: (Sung to the tune of "Unforgetable" by Nat King Cole) In-duh-vidual, that's what you are In-duh-vidual, not up to par Like a light on when nobody's home You think a "hard drive" is traffic heading home Never before Has someone been more... In-duh-vidual, in every way And forever more That's how you'll stay That's why it's just unforgiveable There are so many Induhviduals blah, blah, blah Usage: Hum or whistle the theme to this song when you are in the presence of Induhvidualism and wish to indicate it to another DNRCer. ---- Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section, Dogbert answers my mail because I'm too nice to say these sorts of things. Dear Dogbert, I have noticed that the DNRC newsletter is becoming too commercial. An increasingly large percentage is wasted with advertisements for Dilbert products. Please correct this or I will cancel my subscription! R. Bullock Dear Mr. Buttocks, Thanks for your valuable observation about the FREE Dilbert Newsletter. I didn't notice that the FREE Newsletter had a commercial component. It's probably a clerical error. If you send me your address I'll apologize personally about the commercial content of the FREE Dilbert Newsletter by sending you one of the new Dilbert greeting cards from Hallmark, the full line of which is available in a store near you. On second thought, if it's already in a store near you, it would be faster if you go get it yourself. If the store tries to make you give them money, threaten to stop being a customer. You don't have to stand for that sort of shoddy treatment. Dogbert ---- Dear Mr. Adams, I am the president of the Rhode Island Philately Society. We are having our monthly "Stampboree" and wondered if you would draw some cartoons for our announcements. I can't pay you anything, but you would be invited to attend the event. It's a great place to meet intelligent people. Bob Dear Blob, Mr. Adams is normally very busy. But nothing could be more important than helping people who worship defective postage stamps. Count him in! And I'm sure he will want to attend an event with a bunch of lonely guys who stand around saying things like, "Look at this! It's never been licked!" Dogbert Scott's Trip Report ------------------- This is being written during my whirlwind book tour to promote The Dilbert Principle. I will give you a summary of each location I visit so you don't have to go to any of these places yourself when you write a best-selling book. Philadelphia: My escort (not what you think) drove me past the little plexiglass shack that contains the Liberty Bell. From the road I could make out a large crack, which, it turns out, was the backside of a huge tourist with sagging pants who blocked my view of the bell. It was bigger than I had imagined. Chicago: This is a difficult city for a vegetarian like me. Most of the restaurants have three choices for how you can have your cow prepared: 1) Dead, 2) Dying, 3) Really pissed-off. Chicagoans aren't buying into the "well done" concept that is being hyped by the liberal media. Much of my time was spent arguing that fish and chicken are not vegetables in the classic sense of the word. Minnesota: They call it the "Land of 10,000 lakes." I was immediately suspicious of this state because it seemed like 10,000 is too round a number to be true. Could this state be so boring that all they have to boast about is the number of holes filled with rainwater? Upon further investigation, it turns out that the lake thing is all part of an elaborate plot to keep people from moving into their secret paradise. Further evidence of a conspiracy: the temperature in Minnesota is actually 60 to 75 degrees all year long! But the weasly residents go out of their way to tell you that you came on "...the only nice day this year. Normally it's 400 degrees below zero and your tongue breaks off if you try to say any word with a hard consonant in it." Except for being liars, the Minnesotans are nice people. But I never got used to their mumbling. Texas: I've heard that everything is bigger in Texas, so I was really looking forward to my shower. But it was a lie. I still had to use my hands to adjust the shower knobs. It's so hot there in the summer that the weather report is expressed in terms of how many minutes you can be outside before being killed by the sun. The weather yesterday was four minutes. New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab. But the thing that makes up for the bruises, that makes me forget the pervasive stench, that makes me appreciate the oppressive humidity and the grey crust on my lungs, is the lovely disposition of the residents. Strangers on the street will walk right up to you and ask questions like, "Are you looking at me?" and "Do you want a date?" You don't get that kind of caring from aloof midwesterners. Sending Ideas for Dilbert ------------------------- Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of you.) The best suggestions are ***BRIEF*** theme ideas, not dialog or long stories. If something made you mad or amazed or amused today -- and you can explain it in a paragraph or less -- it's probably good fodder. And I'd love to see it. Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names. Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in that period. Thanks! Dilbert and Dogbert Investment Opportunities -------------------------------------------- Many of you have all the food and shelter that you need and still have some money left over. That money should be wisely invested. This can be a bewildering task, trying to sort out all of the complicated alternatives like mutual funds, t-bills, convertible debentures and variable annuities. It's enough to make your head spin. Fortunately there's one easy-to-understand, reliable investment that is right for everyone: Buying Dilbert crap. For your investment convenience I have listed the many sources of fine Dilbert investments that are available to you. Newest Dilbert Books: - "The Dilbert Principle" Hard cover, business themes, #1 NY Times Best Seller HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-787-6) - "Still Pumped from Using the Mouse" a compilation covering 12/14/92 - 9/27/93 Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3) Upcoming Dilbert Books (due October 1996): - "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook" Hard cover, in handbook format, text and comics HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-788-4) - "Fugitive From the Cubicle Police" Compilation covering 9/28/93 to 2/22/95 Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-2119-2) Calendars due in stores this Fall from Andrews and McMeel: 800-826-4216 - Page-a-day - Wall calendar - Engagement calendar - Datebook Mugs: - United Media web store: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434 - Signals Catalog: 1-800-669-9696 - Gift and book stores, from OZ: 816-932-6543 - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605 Stuffed Dilbert and Dogbert: - United Media web store: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434 - Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696 T-shirts, sweatshirts - Retail stores, from Quality Classics: 800-735-7185 - Retail stores, from Logotel: 410-884-3948 - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605 Caps - Retail stores, from Quality Classics 800-735-7185 Neckties and boxer shorts (silk and polyester) - Retail stores, from Ralph Marlin: 800-922-8437 Neckties (Dilbert-like tie with flip-up feature) - United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434 Suspenders - Retail stores, from Rainbow Connection: 800-500-7877 Mousepads and wrist rests - Computer and business supply stores, from Ring King Visibles: 800-272-2366 - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc. (mousepads only): 816-274-7605 Framed, signed reproductions of select strips from Classcom: 514-747-9492 - Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696 Framed, UNsigned reproductions of select strips - United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450. International: +1-612-948-5434 Magnets - Postcard magnets from Global Imprints: 770-492-0406 (these can be mailed using a $0.33 stamp). - Packaged sets from Caryco: 206-325-2767 - Individual magnets from Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605 Animated Dilbert videos Cohen/Gebler Associates US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242 - Meeting openers (various topics) - Dogbert's Do-it-Yourself Tech Test Custom internal company communication programs using Dilbert Cohen/Gebler Associates US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242 - Employee training - Internal communications - Employee meetings/events From Hallmark, Inc. and available in selected stores: 816-274-7605 - Greeting cards - Playing cards - Lunch bags - Memo pads - Self-stick notes - Stickers - T-shirts - Mouse pads - Mugs - Paper prints - Magnets From OZ, available in selected stores: 816-932-6543 - Mini books - Gift books - Postcard book - Mugs - Bookmarks Post-It brand notes - Retail stores, from 3M: 612-736-6965 Medical and dental client communications from Smart Practice: 602-225-0595 - Postcards - Re-call cards Dilbert Books backlist ---------------------- "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8) "Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6) "Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3) "Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3) "Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9) "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-0415-8). Check with any bookstore for the books above. If that fails, call the publisher, Andrews and McMeel directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use +1-816-932-6700) ***************** General Dilbert Facts ******************* The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,200 papers in 35 countries. The author (that would be me) receives about 350 e-mail messages per day. I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one I like. Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by education; I did the MBA thing. I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite what your friend says, I don't know him/her. Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. They eat when nobody is looking. The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you. The boss character has no name. He's the same boss as the old boss, but his hair got pointier over time. Dogbert's breed is unspecified. Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from MIT. Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert --------------------------------------------------- The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. About the Dilbert List ---------------------- It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail. I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please. The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it" which should be about three or four times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically ------------------------------ You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with the address, subject and message shown: Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow (except put your real name instead of Joe Blow). Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name. Unsubscribing ------------- If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message: unsubscribe Dilbert_List Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line. Getting Old Newsletters ----------------------- Old newsletters are only available on the Dilbert Web site: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/ I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I told you. Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter -------------------------------------- If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still scottadams@aol.com If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature." Reprinting This Newsletter -------------------------- Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com > >It's tough being old. > ---------------------- A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home, and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." The following material comes to you courtesy of cnet.com: --------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN WEB SITE FEATURES THAT SCREAM, "DON'T BOOKMARK ME!" You know the best sites to visit on the Web. ...But as you surf along by yourself, take note of these telltale signs that you should just move along quickly to the first link outta there 10. "Here are some GIFs of my cat." 9. The only advertiser is the International House of Mail Fraud. 8. Its secure commerce engine is made by MicroScruples. 7. On the Webmaster's resume, he lists his job objective as "to put this crappy Web site behind me." 6. Two words: "Under construction." 5. Two other words: blink tag. 4. It has a bouncing marquee message reading "Java the Hutt's Bandwidth Busters." 3. It contains the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence. 2. The status bar has a JavaScript ticker message. 1. It's called CyberPiazza del Digerati. From - Sat Sep 21 01:11:25 1996 X-POP3-Rcpt: pstech@smarty Return-Path: owner-comedy@listserv.prodigy.com Received: from pimaia2w.prodigy.com (pimaia2w.prodigy.com [198.83.19.71]) by smarty.smart.net (8.6.12/8.6.9) with ESMTP id LAA04010 for ; Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:29:41 -0400 Received: from listserv.prodigy.com (listserv.prodigy.com [198.83.19.40]) by pimaia2w.prodigy.com (8.6.10/8.6.9) with ESMTP id LAA19214 for ; Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:09:11 -0400 Received: (from majordom@localhost) by listserv.prodigy.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) id LAA28795; Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:10:11 -0400 Date: Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:10:11 -0400 Message-Id: <199609201510.LAA28795@listserv.prodigy.com> To: PSTECH@SMART.NET From: majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com Subject: Welcome to comedy Reply-To: majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 -- Welcome to the comedy mailing list! If you ever want to remove yourself from this mailing list, send the following command in email to "comedy-request@listserv.prodigy.com": unsubscribe Or you can send mail to "majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com" with the following command in the body of your email message: unsubscribe comedy PSTECH@SMART.NET Here's the general information for the list you've subscribed to, in case you don't already have it: Welcome to Comedy Connection. Prodigy Mailing lists are sponsored by Prodigy Services Company. Prodigy does not review and cannot be responsible for the content of moderated or unmoderated mailing lists. The Comedy Connection List is for trading jokes, stories, and info through E-Mail. Subscribing to this list allows you to trade jokes and stories with other people who love to laugh, as well as to receive their jokes and stories. It is an E-Mail forum for laughter. Share your best stuff! Heard anything good lately? It will also contain information and updates about the Prodigy Comedy Bulletin Board, the Prodigy Comedy Connection Interest Group, and the Prodigy Comedy Connection File Library. "When will Seinfeld be on Letterman?" "Did you see James Carville on Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect last week?" It's a place to laugh and talk with other comedy-minded people! To subscribe, unsubscribe or get more information on Prodigy mailing lists, go to http://www.goodstuff.prodigy.com/Lists/ or send a message with the word "help" in the body (no subject required) to majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com. Subject: Programming by GOD... In the beginning was nothing, and God said to his laptop, "let there be light!" #Unable to connect. Reenter address. :God@heaven.org #Enter password. :Omniscient #Password Incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent #And God logged on. :let there be light! #Unrecognized command. Try again. :Create light. #Done :Create Heaven and Earth. #And God created Heaven and Earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Let there be firmament to rise up and divide the waters from the waters. #Unrecognized command. Try again. :Create firmament #And God made the Earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Let the waters under Heaven be gathered together unto one place and let dry land appear... and... #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. :Create dry_land #Done :Run dry_land #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. #Unspecified type. :Create sun_moon_stars #And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. Create fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth in the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Create cattle #Done Create creepy_things #Done :Now let us make man in our own image, in our likeness #Unrecognized command. Try again. :Create man #Done :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath; run multiplication ##Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Garden.edn #Done :Run multiplication #execution terminated. 4 errors :Copy woman from man #identical files. Delete old one Y/N?:N :Open man #Done :Delete rib #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors :Create desire #Done :Run multiplication #Warning: No time limit on this run. 2 errors :Create free_will #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 error :Delete desire #Cannot delete desire while free_will is open. :Create shame #System error. man, woman not in Garden.edn. :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Man, woman not found in file Garden.edn :Delete shame #Cannot be deleted while file is open. :Delete free_will #Cannot be deleted while file is open :Stop #Unrecognized command. Try again :Break :Break :Break #**ALERT** Computer going down for day of rest in five minutes. Please log off :Create New World #File size exceeds available space. Try deleting old files. :Delete Earth #Delete Earth: Please confirm Y/N: :Y AND GOD LOGGED OFF. First, for all you animal lover, here's a rabbit story. Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my cat dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our cat, Cricket, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her father, panic stricked, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's rabbit and put it back in it's cage?!" __________________________________________________________________ Second, for any of you who may be proud parents and tend to like to talk about the triumphs of your children, take this story as a warning. Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.".... _______________________________________________________________ Third, for any of you who realize that the lessons learned on the battlefield are often most applicable to our everyday lives, these words of wisdom will help to keep you in the fight. MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT ----------------------- 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. __________________________________________________________________ So that's my contribution to your intellectual development for today. IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1.No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2.There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3.Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN Die TOP-15 ... 1.A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 2.When you got to a bar you can always pickup a BEER. 3.A hangover goes away. 4.A BEER won't get upset if you come home and have BEER on you breath. 5.You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 6.You can drink a BEER all month long. 7.If you pour a BEER right, you'll always get good head. 8.You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 9.When you finish with a BEER the bottle is still worth $0.05. 10.A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 11.You always know your the first one to pop a BEER. 12.You can have more than 1 BEER a night and not feel guilty 13.You can share a BEER with your friends. 14.A BEER is always wet. 15.A BEER always goes down easy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1.You can enjoy a BEER all month. 2.BEER stains wash out. 3.You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 4.Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5.When BEER goes flat you toss it out. 6.BEER is never late. 7.HANGOVERS go away. 8.A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 9.BEER labels come off without a fight. 10.When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER. 11.BEER never has a headache. 12.After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13.A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath. 14.If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head. 15.You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty. 16.A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy. 17.You can share a BEER with your friends. 18.You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER. 19.A BEER is always wet. 20.BEER doesn't demand equality. 21.A BEER doesn't care when you come. 22.You can have a BEER in public. 23.A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 24.You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 25.BEER always comes in multiples of six. 26.BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27.You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER. 28.After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29.A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30.When your BEER is gone, you just pop another. 31.You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod. 32.BEER looks the same in the morning. 33.BEER doesn't look you up in a month. 34.BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35.BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36.BEER doesn't get cramps. 37.BEER doesn't have a mother. 38.BEER doesn't have morals. 39.BEER doesn't go crazy once a month. 40.BEER always listens and never argues. 41.BEER labels don't go out of style every year. 42.BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43.BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44.BEER doesn't demand legality. 45.BEER is never overweight. 46.If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony. 47.BEER won't run off with your credit cards. 48.BEER doesn't have a lawyer. 49.BEER doesn't need much closet space. 50.BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51.BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52.BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53.BEER never changes its mind. 54.BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55.BEER never asks you to change the station. 56.BEER doesn't make you go shopping. 57.BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58.BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59.BEER is always easy to pick up. 60.Big, fat BEERs are nice to have. 61.BEER doesn't pout or play games. 62.BEER NEVER says no. 63.BEER is easy to get into. 64.BEER never complains when you take it somewhere. 65.BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs. 66.BEER doesn't wear a bra. 67.BEER doesn't mind getting dirty. 68.BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69.BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70.BEER doesn't live with its mother. 71.BEER doesn't blow you off. 72.BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73.BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74.BEER doesn't mind football season. 75.A BEER won't make you go to church. 76.A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 77.A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 78.A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". 79.A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around. 80.A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with babies are "cute". 81.If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. 82.A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". 83.A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station. 84.A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. 85.A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. 86.If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice. 87.A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt. 88.A BEER won't smoke in your car. 89.A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 90.A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission. 91.A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. 92.A BEER is always ready to leave on time. 93.A BEER never fishes for compliments. 94.Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. 95.BEER tastes *good*. 96.If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape". 97.A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR. 98.An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 99.A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. 100.A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it. 101.A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League. 102.A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!" 103.A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie. 104.A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons. 105.A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson". 106.A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment. 107.When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill. N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well. ***** Why is a cucumber better than a man? ***** 1.You can enjoy a cucumber all night long. 2.Cucumber stains wash out. 3.You don't have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting to the fun stuff. 4.Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while you go shopping. 5.When your cucumber goes soft you toss it. 6.Cucumbers can't tell time, so they don't know when you're late. 7.Stomach aches go away in the morning, or after you take alka-seltzer. 8.A cucumber doesn't get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or even a carrot]) 9.Cucumber skins come off without a fight. 10.When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber. And you can check out the meat in the deli, too] 11.Cucumbers never have headaches (or any other contagious diseases) 12.After you've had a cucumber, who cares what it's worth? 13.A cucumber won't get upset if you come home with another cucumber on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket). 14.If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful. 15.You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (they're low in calories) 16.A cucumber always goes down easy. 17.You can share a cucumber with friends. 18.You always know when you're the first one to eat a cucumber. 19.A cucumber is always hard. 20.Cucumbers don't demand equality. 21.You can have a cucumber in pubic (oops, I mean public]) 22.A cucumber doesn't come (no mess) 23.A frigid cucumber is a fresh cucumber. 24.You don't have to wash a cucumber before it tastes good. 25.The older a cucumber, the larger it gets. 26.Cucumbers don't fool around. 27.You don't have to watch where a cucumber puts its hands. 28.You can keep a cucumber in your apartment without upsetting your mother. 29.Cucumbers can't get you pregnant. 30.Cucumbers don't get drunk (although they have been known to get pickled now and then) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the blonde who: had more on her body than on her mind? was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? took an hour to cook Minute Rice? got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke: * *Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes? *Blonde Answers: An interprolater! * *We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny *part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp they said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?" "I want a weigh," she says. Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again. "I want a weigh," she says. Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?" "I want a weigh," she says. Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?" "Wousy," says the girl. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another blonde sent a post card home: "Having a wonderful time....Where am I?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How is a blonde like a....... Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow. Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck. Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes 1.That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed. 2.Do you want to see something swell? 3.What do you like for breakfast? 4.Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 5.Say, didnt we go to different schools together? 6.Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. 7.Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. 8.Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 9.Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 10.You smell wet. Lets party! 11.If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me? 12.Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew! 13.You have the ass of a great artist. ___________________________________________________________________ Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde 1.I just threw up! 2.You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit. 3.Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in? 4.Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. 5.I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good. 6.Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress! 7.Your face or mine? 8.Nice dress, could I talk you out of it? 9.I want to floss with your pubic hair. 10.I'd look good on you. 11.Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet? 12.Somebody farted! Lets get out of here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Who keep saying these blonde jokes ? Those who couldn't.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you... Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler 1.Land War in Asia 2.Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler' 3.Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects 4.Not buying lifts for his shoes 5.Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt 6.Failure to exploit Eva Braun 7.Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy 8.Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image 9.Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan 10.Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones 11.Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA 12.Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back" 13.Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays 14.Free beer in munitions plants 15.Lisp never corrected 16.Bad toupe 17.Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery 18.Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands 19.Fell asleep in staff meetings 20.Chose Italy as ally 21.Land War in Asia 22.Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line 23.Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics 24.Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air 25.Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls 26.Never had fireside mass rallies 27.Told Einstein he had a stupid name 28.Used SS instead of LAPD 29.Admired Napoleon's strategy 30.Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly 31.In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii 32.Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice 33.Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform 34.Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence. 35.Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics 36.Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer 37.Breast feeding for too long 38.Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR 39.Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch 40.Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape. 41.Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland 42.Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union 43.Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power 44.Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords 45.Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline) 46.Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image. 47.Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can" 48.Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude" 49.Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?" 50.Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary 51.Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats 52.Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second 53.Failed to encourage tourism 54.Being born 55.Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun 56.Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back 57.Kept Colonel Klink in command 58.Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat 59.Used same astrologer as the Reagans A DOG NAMED "SEX"... Usually every one who has a dog, either calls him "Rover" , "Boy", "Spot" or something like that. Well, I named mine "Sex". I realize Sex is an embarrassing name, but I thought it fit him somehow. One day I took Sex for a walk, and he ran away. I spent hours looking for that damn dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 am. I said I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Thursday! One day, I went to the City Hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. And I said, "I want a license for Sex." He said, he wouldn't mind having one too. Then I said, "but this is for a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like; I'll take her anyway." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He looked at me and said, "You must have been a hell of a kid"!! When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "but, Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole life revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want any part in my life and he wouldn't marry us in the church. I tried to tell him that the entire wedding party would enjoy having Sex there. My entire family is barred from the church. We got married by the Justice of the Peace. My new wife and I took the dog on our honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the room clerk I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex if we wanted it. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk answered, "Yeah, me too!" I entered my do in a dog show and the show was on TV. When I told my friend I had Sex on TV. He said, "show off, you should have sold tickets ... wasn't it uncomfortable?" When my wife and I finally separated, we went to court to battle over custody of the dog. I said to the judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex way before I was married." The Judge said, "Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too!" Well, I've had more trouble over that dog. I have been thrown into jail, married and divorced. I just got so nervous, I went to a Psychiatrist. He said, What is the trouble?" I said, "Sex has left me. It's like losing my very best friend and life is so lonely without Sex." He said, "Look, Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. So, go get yourself a dog!" MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT 1.If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2.Incoming fire has the right of way. 3.Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4.There is always a way. 5.The easy way is always mined. 6.Try to look unimportant, they may be out of ammo. 7.Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8.The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: A. When you're ready for them. B. When you're not ready for them. 9.Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10.If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. 11.The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12.A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14.Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15.Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16.Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you will not be able to get out. 17.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18.If you're short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 19.When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20.(My personal favorite) Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. What the world is like in TV land: 1.If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall. 2.Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation. 3.Crazed maniacs have super-human strength. 4.The suburbs are exciting. 5.Good guys always shoot better than bad guys. 6.Good guys are always outnumbered. 7.Good guys always win and get the girl. 8.Good guys are always good looking. 9.Ugly people are always bad guys. 10.Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways. 11.There are no ugly women, only ugly men. 12.Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness. 13.Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor. 14.Cars will explode in all accidents. 15.Everyone has a 'dark' secret. 16.Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten. 17.Haunted houses are never locked. 18.The police are smart. 19.Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg. 20.All Chinese people know Karate. 21.Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music. 22.Rich people are unhappy. 23.Teenagers are smarter than their parents. 24.Indians make good cannon fodder. 25.Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders. 26.Computers never crash. a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's. b) Computers know everything. c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info 27.When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth. 28.No one farts, except after eating beans. 29.Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys. 30.Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works. 31.Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days. 32.Movies based on true stories are made up. 33.Police never wait for back-up. 34.Undercover cops are too good to be spotted. 35.Private detective work is glamorous. 36.All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs. 37.All police killings are in self-defense. 38.Everyone wins in Las Vegas. 39.Good guys don't take drugs. 40.The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys. 41.Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry. 42.High School students look thirty years old. 43.Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean. 44.Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases. 45.Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool. 46.To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset. 47.Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out. 48.The group always splits up to look for the alien. 49.The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot. 50.The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials. 51.The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them. 52.Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out. 53.The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill. 54.All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing. 55.No-one *ever* locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY). Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men. There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 things you didn't know about ecology and the like. 1.The Green Party are called the 'Greens'. 'cos they know sod all about politics. 2.Green activist Mike Keeny ensured that he was returned to nature by having himself buried in his own compost heap. Interviewed around the time his left arm fell off he said, 'I've never felt so degraded in all my life'. 3.Eco washing up liquid leaves most of the food on your plate and ensures the growth of rare and interesting bacteria, like botulism. 4.Acid rain is a let down once you've tried ecstasy. 5.The word 'Natural' on a food packet means that it is twice as expensive as everything else on the same shelf. 6.Real ale is ecologically sound because it contains no chemicals and therefore causes only natural damage to your brain, liver and kidneys. 7.The lingering fallout from Chernobyl was responsible for the recent slump in the form of the normally invincible Welsh rugby team. 8.The words 'Environmentally Friendly' on a product means that it doesn't work anywhere near as good as the stuff you used to buy. 9.John Barnes was recently voted the top 'Eco Player' in the England team. It was revealed that his refusal to run around in an England shirt saved the lives of thousands of blades of grass. 10.Recycled toilet paper is a sham. If it had been used before there would be lots of smelly bits on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How to pass the time if you've been made redundant. No. 12. Why not try making a model of Buckingham Palace out of those small annoying knobby bits of bone that lurk in bacon sandwiches. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10 things you never knew about lists of stuff. 1.They are clearly written by someone who knows everything. This proves they are a direct communication from God. 2.Repent sinners. 3.They are so quick to read that you never take them in and so you still don't know the stuff you never knew, sort of thing. 4.They are scanned, not read, and therefore ideal for subliminal messages -- vote Tory. 5.The word 'Testicles' doesn't appear in such lists very often. 6.It only appeared here because I'm trying to fill space, testicles, testicles, testicles. 7.Filling space is the main function of such lists because there is always plenty of space around them. 8.Saddam Hussein promised his people the 'mother of all lists' last year. 9.When they got it, it read 'Sugar Puffs, Bic Razors, components for chemical weapons, tanks, 20 cigarettes'. 10.Dennis Law played for both Manchester United and Manchester City. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10 things you'd rather not know about flying 1.A Jumbo Jet weighs more than an elephant. 2.There are 1800 thunderstorms on Earth at any given moment. 3.There are 8.5 million lightning strikes on Earth every single day, (p.s. a bolt of lightning always hits the highest point.) 4.There's also a lot of mad Libyan terrorists about. 5.And don't forget those Iraqi's - they're still livid. 6.The distance between the wing-tips of a Boeing 747 is longer than the first flight made by the Wright brothers, but shorter than the Irish football team's passing game. 7.A plane can also cut wood. It can scythe down one square mile of trees when it crashes into a forest. 8.All the world's airlines demand a copy of the Irish football team's fixture list, so that their aeroplanes can avoid the stadiums where Ireland are playing. 9.Chaos Theory, also known as Sod's Law, predicts that if you are terrified of flying that you take a train or ship instead, a 747 will probably crash on your carriage or recreation deck. 10.The whole fleet of Air Europe recently went down - in one single night. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the beginning there was a Plan. And then came Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the plan was without substance. And darkness was on the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks". And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a plain of dung, and none may obide the odor thereof". And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it". And the Managers went unto their Directors saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength". And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong". And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful". And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him "This new Plan will actively promote growth and Vigor of this company, with powerful effects". And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how shit happens. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE Tauism Shit happens Confucianism Confusius says - shit happens Buddhism If shit happens, it really isn't shit Hinduism This shit happened before. Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else. Catholocism If shit happens, you deserve it. Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us. Atheism I don't believe this shit! Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Agnosticism What is this shit? Southern Baptism Shit will not happen til Judgement Day when it will happen to someone else. Rastafareism Hey, let's smoke this shit. Taoism Shit happens. Confucianism Confucius say - "Shit happens." Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Calvinism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Lutheranism Shit happens because you work at all. Buddhism No shit? Seventh Day No shit on Saturdays. Adventists Hinduism This shit has happened before. Mormonism This shit is going to happen again. Islam Cut the shit. Anglicanism Don't shit, poop. Then scoop. Hell's Angels Tough shit! The Mystics We're in deep shit. Moonies Only happy shit really happens. Stoicism This shit is good for me. Hedonism There is nothing like a good shit. Capitalism Shit a brick. Socratic Shit happens and then you die. Marxism Eat shit. Communism Eat shit and die. Optimist Shit passes. Protestantism Shit can come upon you in unlikely places, so carry some pages from a good book. Catholocism Shit happens because you are BAD, or The pope's shit doesn't stink. Christian Holy shit! Orthodoxy Hare Krishna Shit happens, rama, rama. Unitarianism No shit, or We've got our shit together. Pentecostalism When the shit hits the fan, where will you stand? Baptists Up shit creek ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists and science enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our suggested list of required warnings appears below: WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Massed and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell !!" ~~~~~ This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em." A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. He says, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "this thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." >So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing." Date: Wednesday, January 21, 1998 11:40 AM One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" (And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.) Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU? And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer. ------------------ A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring up your grades, study your bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After a month the boy again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought up your grades, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Guide to Software Revisions Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this >revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify. 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy. 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ... 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too. 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it. 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs. 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused! 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this. 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest! 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this. 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number. 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them. >%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~% > Henry A. Mumm > Sr. Programmer Analyst > California Department of Conservation > 801 K Street, Ste 1921 > Sacramento, CA 95814 > hmumm@consrv.ca.gov > voice :: (916) 323-1360 >%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~% > Conserve electrons > Start recycling them today >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> A thermodynamics professor had written a >> take home exam for his students. It had >> one question: Is hell exothermic or >> endothermic? Support your answer with a >> proof. >> >> Most of the students wrote proofs of >> their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some >> variant. One student, however, wrote the >> following: >> >> "First, we postulate that if souls >> exist, then they must have some mass. If >> they do, then a mole [a unit of measure] >> of souls can also have a mass. So, at >> what rate are souls moving into hell and >> at what rate are souls leaving? I think >> that we can safely assume that once a >> soul gets into hell, it will not leave. >> Therefore, no souls are leaving. >> >> As for souls entering hell, lets look at >> the different religions that exist in >> the world today. Some of these religions >> state that if you are not a member of >> their religion, you will go to hell. >> Since there are more than one of these >> religions and people do not belong to >> more than one religion, we can project >> that all people, and all souls, go to >> hell. >> >> With birth and death rates as they are, >> we can expect the number of souls in >> hell to increase exponentially. Now, we >> look at the rate of change in volume in >> hell. Boyle's Law states that in order >> for the temperature and pressure in hell >> to stay the same, the ratio of the mass >> of souls and volume needs to stay >> constant. >> >> 1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower >> rate than the rate at which souls enter >> hell, then the temperature and pressure >> in hell will increase until all hell >> breaks loose. >> >> 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a >> rate faster than the increase of souls >> in hell, then the temperature and >> pressure will drop until hell freezes >> over. >> >> So which is it? If we accept the >> postulate given to me by Therese Banyan >> during Freshman year, "that it will be a >> cold night in hell before I sleep with >> you" and take into account the fact that >> I still have not succeeded in having >> sexual relations with her, then #2 >> cannot be true. >> >> Therefore hell is exothermic." >> >> The student got the only A. >> > Headline: > PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71 --- Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." THE 5 TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK - AND THEIR ANSWERS The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes. " For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, Yes, dear. Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Im sorry, what did you say? I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year." The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener: Dear Click and Clack, Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". Yarch ============================================================================ === Argentine shocks mom by turning up for own funeral BUENOS AIRES - A young Argentine man turned up for his own funeral last weekend after his mother mistakenly identified the body of a gunshot victim as her 21-year-old son, the local news agency Dyn said. Robinson Gonzalez's family in the Atlantic port city of Bahia Blanca thought they recognized him on television when a local channel reported that a man was killed when a pistol he was handling accidentally went off. His mother wrongly identified the body in the local morgue as well. When Gonzalez phoned to tell her he was alive and the body was really 25-year-old Rodolfo Perez, she took it for a sick joke. Local media said that when her son turned up for the funeral, the woman suffered a nervous breakdown. =========================================================================== == The old man and the Boy An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, it's 'duct' tape NOT 'duck' tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat." ============================================================================ === Something to tax your brains. This is a test! Ladies & Gentlemen, Children of all ages . . . Step right up, Test your linguistic skills . . . Richard and Robert purchased a rottweiler. Say the above sentence without using any r's. Once you think you have it . . . scroll down to see if you are right. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > How about: Dick and Bob bought a dog. ;) > > ------------- End Forwarded Message ------------- There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 to 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000, after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!" There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesperson explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the time on Jack's cryogenic receptacle; it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesperson told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated, and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces that allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific!" said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL." > > > A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He > spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his > way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before > leaving he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me > asking, but how old do you think I am?" > > "About 35," was the reply. > > "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. > > After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the > order clerk the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you > look about 29." > > "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. > > While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same > question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is > going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling > a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with > your balls, I will be able to tell your exact age." > > As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and > let her slip her hand down his pants. After a bit, the old > lady says, "OK, that's fine, > > I'm done...You are 47." > > Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do > that? > > The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." > ------ Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ----------------------------- Easter Bunny Story A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he suddenly saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because me. What should I do? " The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!! The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." ----------------------------------- > For Immediate Release: New Chemical Element Discovered: > The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered > by scientists at a major US Corporation. The element, > tentatively, named administratium, has no protons or electrons > and thus has an atomic number of O. However, it does have one > neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 > assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. > These 312 particles are held together by a force that > involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles > called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities > of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no > electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be > detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with > which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, > a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to > take over four days to complete when it would have normally > occurred in less than a second. > Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately > three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead > undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, > vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. > Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually > increases after each reorganization. Research at other > laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally > in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate a certain points > such as government agencies, large corporations, and > universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best > appointed, and best maintained buildings. > Scientists point out that administratium is known to be > toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy > any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. > Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can > be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results > to date are not promising. ------------------------ Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 ----------------------------------------------- > Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" ---------------------------- A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language." Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." "For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us." "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen." > -- > > > Segmentation fault (core dumped). ------------------------------------------ > >>Howdy friends, we all know those cute little computer symbols called > >> emotions," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these > >>are > >> represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"? > >> > >> Here goes: > >> > >> (_!_) a regular ass > >> > >> (__!__) a fat ass > >> > >> (!) a tight ass > >> > >> (_._) a flat ass > >> > >> (_^_) a bubble ass > >> > >> (_*_) a sore ass > >> > >> (_!__) a lop-sided ass > >> > >> {_!_} a swishy ass > >> > >> (_o_) an ass that's been around > >> > >> (_O_) an ass that's been around even more > >> > >> (_x_) kiss my ass > >> > >> (_X_) leave my ass alone > >> > >> (_zzz_) a tired ass > >> > >> (_o^o_) a wise ass > >> > >> (_13_) an unlucky ass > >> > >> (_e=mc2_) a smart ass > >> > >> (_$_) Money coming out of his ass > >> > >> (_?_) Dumb Ass > >> ..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo.. > >> . oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o. > >> . o" 'o" "o > >> o o *o > >> .o o 'o > >> o o o. > >> > >> o o o. > >> > >> o o o > >> o \o/ o > >> o --0-- o > >> o. /o\ o > >> o o o > >> "o o o = > >> o'" o oo > >> oo o oo > >> oo. oo oo > >> 'ooo. .oo. ooo > >> "o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,,..oo"o > >> o.. """""" oo """"" .o > >> 'o oo o' > >> *o oo o > >> 'o o o > >> o o o > >> o o o > >> o o o > >> o o o > >> o o o > >> o o o > >> > >> GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > >> > >> You have been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour = > >> and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail. Happy > >> e-mooning!!! > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Those Crazy Cannibals Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad....Let's eat her." "No", said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother". > > --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. That uniform makes your butt look really big. 3. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 4. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 5. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. 6. Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! 7. Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 8. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 9. Bad Cop! No Donut! 10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder. 12. I pay your salary! 13. Gee, thanks officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too. 14. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 16. Sorry, I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down. I love this song. 17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 18. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? -- > Light reading for Computer Nerds.... > > > What is the problem with Microsoft?? > > http://www.student.uni-kl.de/~naeher/mstext.english.html > > > If you care about security and run Windows 95 (doesn't apply to NT).. > > ftp://ftp.ora.com/pub/examples/windows/win95.update/regwiz.html > > > Wanna know that pesky manufactures phone number? > > http://www.micronadditions.com/cgi-bin/bp/2000172941/imasupport.html > > > ------------- 1. HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. 2. BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU" 4. COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got. ----------------------------------- Which of the following does not belong and why: AIDS, Herpes, Gonorrhea, or Condominium. Gonorrhea. You can get rid of it. ============================================================================= A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she`s beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy. One day she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and after a few seconds a guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her. The lovely blonde says emphatically, "But I`m not just beautiful! I`m smart too!!" "Yeah, yeah. I believe you," says the young stud. "Now let`s go." Again she protests. "No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states." The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her. She follows him. "Really, go ahead ask me a state. I`ll give you its capitol and show you how smart I am." Just to get rid of her, the guy says, "Fine. What`s the capital of New Mexico?" The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. "New Mexico has two capitals: `N` and `M`." -------------------------------- A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50 figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her 50. She politely takes the money and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what IS the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ------------------------------------------------- Windows '98 source code. /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Summer 1994 */ #include "win31.h" #include "win95.h" #include "evenmore.h" #include "oldstuff.h" #include "billrulz.h" #define INSTALL = HARD char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) { set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); } // printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); // printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(something) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); } create_general_protection_fault(); } ----------------------------------------------------- At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. ___________________________________________________________________ > > Dr. Norman MacLeod > Micropalaeontological Research > N.MacLeod@nhm.ac.uk (E-mail) > > Department of Palaeontology, The Natural History Museum, > Cromwell Road, London, SW7 5BD > > Office Phone: 0171-938-9006 > Dept. FAX: 0171-938-9277 > E-mail: N.MacLeod@nhm.ac.uk > ___________________________________________________________________ > SEXY SANDALS > - Submitted by Streetkar > ------------------------------------ A newly married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman say "you foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam a leekem!" (hello in english) So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, " I don't think I really need them." But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, " So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal.?" The merchant smiled and replid "Just try them on, my friend, trust me!" Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering from his wife, he finally consented to try them on. The husband put the shoes on and and a wild look seemed to appear in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years -- the look of raw sexual power. In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guys pants. While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop "You've got the shoes on the wrong feet... You've got the shoes on the wrong feet.." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's in a name anyway? An Indian boy went to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black." If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay? Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake thought her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Georgorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You think I should come in? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ONLY IN AMERICA Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society... DIRECTA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72% of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2% PROJECTRA - men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one CHILDAGRA - men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents" COMPLIMENTRA - in clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives has a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing BUYAGRA - married and otherwise attache men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweetie expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still be seen" whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit NEGATE-VIAGRA - has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical testing on sitting U.S. Presidents NEGATE-SPORTAGRA - this drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members FLATULAGRA - this complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: dosage can be doubled for long car rides FLYAGRA - this drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (open fly disorder) especially useful for men on Viagra PRYAGRA - about to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors" LIAGRA - this drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength MHYLES! Welcome to the "OH NO, ANOTHER GAY JACKSON E-MAIL!!" joke list. Enjoy! (º¿º) ~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why a brotha can't win! If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an Egotist. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a damn about other people's needs. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life's lessons...Have you learned what I have?? I've learned - That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned - That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned - That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned - That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned - That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned - That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do. I've learned - That it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned - That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned - That it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned - That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned - That either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned - That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned - That learning to forgive takes practice. I've learned - That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned - That money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned - That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned - That you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned - That your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't just biological, but of the soul. I've learned - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned - That sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned - That sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned - That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned - That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned - That there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned - That no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned - That no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned - That writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. I've learned - That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us. I've learned - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned - That the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned - That although the word "love" can have many different meanings; it loses value when over used. I've learned - That it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe "To thine own self be true... --William Shakespeare --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: simple truths Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-profit organization. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Recognize the inconsequential, then ignore it. THIS IS A GOOD ONE!!! > > A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby > delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new > machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to > the father of the baby. > > He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much > in favor of it. > > The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that > even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever > experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt > fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The > doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. > > The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's > blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At > this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to > feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife > considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to > him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She > and her husband were ecstatic. > > When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. > >=============================================================================== > Subject: "GOD'S EMBROIDERY" > When I was a little boy, my mother used to embroider a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. I told her that it looked like a mess from where I was. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "My son, you go about your playing for a while, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side." I would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and then I would hear Mother's voice say, "Son, come and sit on my knee." This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, "My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing." Many times through the years I have looked up to my Heavenly Father and said, "Father, what are You doing?" He has answered, "I am embroidering your life." I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?" The Father seems to tell me, "'My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ groaaaaannnnnn... Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. >> >> How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. >> >> How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. >> >> How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want >> a new apartment." >> >> What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". >> >> What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. >> >> What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. >> >> What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. >> >> What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. >> >> What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. >> >> What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. >> >> What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. >> >> What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. >> >> What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A >> pachydermatologist >> >> What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree >> would kill you? A pool table. >> >> What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. >> >> What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. >> and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. >> >> What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. >> >> What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal >> thermometer? The taste. >> >> What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast >> beef. >> >> Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. >> >> Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. >> >> Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. >> >> Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the >> noise. > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE TRUEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY!!! > HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: > Compliment her, > cuddle her, > kiss her, > caress her, > love her, > stroke her, > tease her, > comfort her, > protect her, > hug her, > hold her, > spend money on her, > wine & dine her, > buy things for her, > listen to her, > care for her, > stand by her, > support her, > go to the ends of the earth for her.... > > HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: > Show up naked. > Bring beer. > --------- End forwarded message ---------- Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. > Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?" > Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." > "Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..." > "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." > "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. > "Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" > "Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" > "Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" > "I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" > "Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?" > > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sing to the Tune of Oscar Mayer Bologna Song His boloney has a first name, It's "I did not inhale." His boloney has a second name: "I wasn't getting tail." He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullshit sound OK! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: His and Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it. 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake ~~~~~~ Subject: Lil Girl In The Park. > > > >" There was this lil' girl one day sitting in the park. Everyone passed and never stopped to see why she looked so sad. Dressed in a worn pink dress, bare foot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by. She never tried to speak, she never said a word. Many people passed, but never did one person stop. Just so happens the next day I decided to go back to the park, in curiousity, to see if the lil' girl would still be there. Right in the very spot as she was yesterday she sat perched on high, with the saddest look in her eyes. > > > > Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the lil' girl. For as we all know a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone. As I got closer I could see the back of the lil' girls dress was obscenly shaped. I figured that was a reason the people just passed by and made no effort to help. > > > > Deformities was a low blow to our society and, "so help you" if you make a step toward assisting someone who is different. As I got closer the lil' girl slightly lowered her eyes to avoid my intent stare. As I approched her, I could see the obscene shape of her back more clearly. > > > > Grotesquely shaped in a humped over form. > > > > I smiled to let her know it was ok, I was there to help, to talk. I sat down beside her and opened with a simple "Hello". The lil' girl acted shocked and stammered a "Hi" after a long stare into my eyes. I smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked till darkness fell and the park was completely empty. Everyone was gone and we at once were alone. I asked the girl why she was so sad. > > > > The lil' girl looked at me and with a sad face said "Because I'm different". I immediately said "that you are!" and smiled. The lil' girl acted even sadder, she said, "I know". > > > > "Lil' girl", I said, "You remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent". She looked at me and smiled, slowly she stood to her feet, and said. Really?". "Yes ma'am, your like a lil' guardian angel sent to watch over all those people walking by". She shook her head yes and smiled, with that she spread her wings and said, "I am, I'm your guardian angel", with a twinkle in her eye. I was speechless.. sure I was seeing things. > > > > She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself, my job here is done". Immediately I stood to my feet and said, "Wait, so why did no one stop to help an angel?". She looked at me and smiled, "Your the only one that could see me, you believe, its in your heart". > > > > And She was gone. And with that my life was changed dramatically. So, When you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you. Mine was... :o) > > > > Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you.... make sure you send it back to the person that sent it to you, to let them know you're glad they care about you.. like the story says we all need someone.. :o) > > > > Everyone of your friends is an angel in their own way. And cyber buddies are the best!!! > > > > There is a road. No simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night. And if you go, no one may follow. That path is for, your steps alone. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking!?! I know what you was thinking and I like the WAY YOU THINK!!!!!!!!! Whoo Whee!!!!! ============================================================================ >> Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of >> winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The >> President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is >> pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells >> "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they >> wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the >> porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay >> silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, >> don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an >> answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up >> and races for the exits. >> Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says >> "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad >> news. Which do you want first?" >> Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." >> The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. >> The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." >> Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice >> President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?" >> The officer replies "Well sir, it's Hillary's handwriting." >> >> ========================================================================== A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!" =========================================================================== Subject: FW: Odd sex laws from around the globe Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.) This explains Hillary Clinton's plan to move to Hong Kong right after the impeachment. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!!) In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (...presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (gotta love the good 'ole USA!) =========================================================================== Here's another one: What's the difference between a clever magic act and a beauty contest? The magic act is an array of cunning stunts... Or alternatively - What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans baton? One is used for cunning stunts and the other for stunning ... =========================================================================== The noise a female rock trio makes would be: Broadband emissions Why does eating raw pork give you chickenosis, and eating raw chicken give you salmonella, but eating raw fish is chic? Tube-type electronics often require the replacement of cazapitors in applefriers. An overweight kidney doctor who predicts weather would be a meatyurologist. If an epileptic oysterman has the fits when he shucks, what about a prostitute with diarrhea? =========================================================================== If Men Really Ruled The World ………………. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Haywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: Ally McNaked. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge by ³Stone Cold Steve Austin² for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. ======================================================================== In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor > in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to > assist in the delivery. > > To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a > lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm > doing." > > Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. > > "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put > the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." > Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. > > "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, > young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. > > The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. > "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" ========================================================================= A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize." [Today's joke was suggested by valbiz] ========================================================================== Doug Warner wrote: > Hmm. What do you call an expert in the simulation of "female > circuits". -- A gynerator? -- John Fields, Austin Instruments, Inc. El Presidente Austin, Republic of Texas "I speak for the company" http://www.austininstruments.com ========================================================================= > THE BEER PRAYER > > Our lager, > Which art in barrels, > Hallowed be thy drink, > Thy will be drunk, > (I will be drunk), > At home as in the tavern. > Give us this day our foamy head, > And forgive us our spillages, > As we forgive those who spill against us, > and lead us not to incarceration, > But deliver us from hangovers, > For thine is the beer, > The bitter and the lager, > Forever and ever. > > Barmen. > ================================================================================ Subject: Big Bread is Watching A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up). I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice.... 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters. 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis. 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days. 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts. 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1: No sale of bread to minors. 2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school. 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue. Remember: Think globally, act idiotically. ============================================================================== A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Jamaican African on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Jamaican African remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." ============================================================================= Now to the "clean" turkey joke: He laid her on the table So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms.......... And then he stuffed the turkey. ****Happy Thanksgiving**** And you thought this was going to be dirty... Food for thought... ---------- > > >> INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE > >> > >> 1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. > >> 2. Memorize your favorite poem. > >> 3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. > >> 4. When you say, "I love you," mean it. > >> 5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. > >> 6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. > >> 7. Believe in love at first sight. > >> 8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. > >> 9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the > only way to live life completely. > >> 10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. > >> 11. Don't judge people by their relatives. > >> 12. Talk slow but think quick. > >> 13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile > and ask,"Why do you want to know?". > >> 14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. > >> 15. Call your mom. > >> 16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. > >> 17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. > >> 18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for > others; Responsibility for all your actions. > >> 19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. > >> 20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to > correct it. > >> 21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. > >> 22. Marry a spouse you love to talk to. As you get older, his or her > conversational skills will be as important as any other. > >> 23. Spend some time alone. > >> 24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. > >> 25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. > >> 26. Read more books and watch less TV. > >> 27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and > think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time. > >> 28. Trust in God but lock your car. > >> 29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all > you can to create a tranquil harmonious home. > >> 30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current > situation. Don't bring up the past. > >> 31. Read between the lines. > >> 32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. > >> 33. Be gentle with the earth. > >> 34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it. > >> 35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered. > >> 36. Mind your own business. > >> 37. Don't trust a person who doesn't close his or her eyes when you kiss them. > >> 38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. > >> 39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you > are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. > >> 40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a > stroke of luck. > >> 41. Learn the rules, then break some. > >> 42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for > each other is greater than your need for each other. > >> 43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. > >> 44. Remember that your character is your destiny. > >> 45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon > > Now, here's the FUN part! > Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve > 0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly. > 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking. > 9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks. > 15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything > you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. > >> > IF YOU WERE BUYING CANDY AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE OF THE > >> > FOLLOWING WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? > >> > BABY RUTH > >> > 3 MUSKETEERS > >> > BUTTER FINGERS > >> > SNICKERS > >> > HERSHEY'S > >> > ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS > >> > CLARK BAR > >> > GOOD'n'PLENTY > >> > ENERGY BAR > >> > CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS. > >> > > >> > OK - NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE, > >> > THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT YOU!!! > >> > And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll > >> > down....!!!! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!! > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy > >> > items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice > >> > cream cone at the end of the day. > >> > > >> > 3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of > >> > underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out > >> > your saber. > >> > > >> > BUTTER FINGERS - Smooth, articulate, you are an excellent > >> > after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and > >> > chew gum at the same time. > >> > > >> > SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys > >> > being around you. But you are a practical joker -- others should be > >> > cautious in shaking hands! > >> > > >> > HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other > >> > people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get > >> > gushy if held too close. > >> > > >> > ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS--Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very > >> > energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is > >> > always attracted to you. > >> > > >> > CLARK BAR--You like sports, whether baseball, football, > >> > basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, > >> > but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote > >> > control. > >> > > >> > GOOD'N'PLENTY---You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. > >> > You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. > >> > Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person. > >> > > >> > ENERGY BAR--You are very active. You are so active, life > >> > is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum. > >> > > >> > CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS--You go to the bathroom often. > >> > > >> > << Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad.This continued until they were ready to start school. The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day. The children did so every day. When they wered about 11 years old, the girl unpacked er lunch one day and the boy, startled, said. "that's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff?" To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it any more." Boy: "Why not?" Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers." Boy: "You are not!!" Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad any more!!" Boy: 'I don't believe you, let me see." Girl: "I can't show you my feathers." Boy: "I don't believe you." So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panites and shows him her feathers. Boy: "My, my, my!! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I 'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life." Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch.The girl, sniffing, exclaimed: "That's not chicken salad!! You said you were going to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural life. What IS that stuff?" To which the boy responded: "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore. I'm growing feather, too!!" Girl: "Let me see." Boy: "Oh, no!! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers" Girl: "I showed you mine." Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours." They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: "You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!!!! >>> ========================================================================= I'll Sue You One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50 to spend the night with her." To their surprise, the woman, having overhead the remark, turned and said "I'd be delighted to take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, and after bidding his friend goodnight, he accompanied the woman to her apartment and they immediately went to bed. The next morning, he presented her with $25 and as he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the other $25, I'll sue you for it." He laughed and said, "I'd like to see you try!" and left. He was surprised the next day when he was served with a summons demanding his presence in court. He was the defendant and the young lady of the previous evening was the plaintiff. She'd made good on her threat. So he hurried to his lawyer and explained all the details. His lawyer said she couldn't possibly get a judgement against him on such grounds and they went to court. After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: Your honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property; a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but on evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance. The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case was presented. His defense was as follows: Your honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived for the transaction, however, the defendant found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump; all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted. The young lady's lawyer's rebuttal was: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make improvements as described. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Further, upon evacuation, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the well much larger than before his entrance, thus making it more accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgement to be granted. She got her $25. ============================================================================== What does that tell you? Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?," enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!" ========================================================================= HAHAHAHAHA!!!! A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." =========================================================================== A frog went into a bank, and hopped up to the loan officer. Cheerfully, the frog said, "Hi, what's your name?" "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?" "Yeah," the frog replied, "I'd like to borrow some money." The loan officer found this odd, but retrieved a form and a pen from his desk drawer. "Okay, what's your name?" "Kermit Jagger." Paddywack was surprised! "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?" "Yeah," said the frog, "He's my dad." "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?" The frog handed Paddywack a pink ceramic elephant. "Will this do?" "Hmmm...I'm not sure," said the loan officer. "I'll just go check with the bank manager." "OK, tell him I'm here. He knows me." Paddywack found the bank manager in his office, reading the morning paper. "Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing. I'm not even sure what it is." Without even glancing up from the paper, the manager replied: "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack - give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." ========================================================================= > The Gold Slippers > > It was only 4 days before Xmas. The spirit of the season hadn't yet > caught up with me, even though cars were packed in the parking lot of our > local discount store. Inside the store was worse. Shopping carts and last > minute shoppers jammed the aisle. Why did I come today, I wondered. My > list contained name of several people who claimed they wanted nothing, but > I knew their feelings would be hurt if I didnt buy them anything. > Hurriedly I filled my shopping cart with last minute items and proceeded > to the long checkout lines. I picked the shortest but it looked as if it > would mean at least 20 minutes. > > In front of me were two small children, a boy of five and a younger girl. > They were dressed in raggedy clothes and the little girl had remainders of > her last meal still on her face. She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, > gold house slippers. As the Christmas music sounded on the store's stereo > system, the girl hummed along, off key but happy. When we finally > approached the checkout register, the girl carefully placed the shoes on > the counter. She treated them as though they were a treasure. The clerk > rang up the bill. "That will be $6.10" she said. The boy laid his > crumpled dollars on the counter while he searched his pockets. He finally > came up with $3.12. I guess we will have to put them back he bravely > said. We will come back some other time, tomorrow maybe. With that > statement, a soft sob broke from the little girl. "But Jesus would have > loved these shoes," she cried. Well, we'll go home and work some more. > Don't cry. We'll come back. Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. > These children had waited in line for a long time. And, after all, it was > Christmas. Suddenly a pair of arms came around me and a small voice said, > thank you lady. What did you mean when you said Jesus would like those > shoes I asked. The boy answered,"Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. > Daddy said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus. The girl spoke > and said "My Sunday school teacher said the streets of heaven are shiny > gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on those > streets to match these shoes? My eyes flooded as I looked into their > faces. Yes, I answered she sure will. Silently I thanked God for using > these children to remind me of the true spririt of giving. > > TIS THE SEASON!!!!! REMEMBER THAT IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN RECEIVE SO PASS > THIS ON...... > ============================================================================== >Subject: Tough Neighborhood (Hood) > > >> >>On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, >>and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, >>"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" >> >>The Kid says, "Yeah." >> >>The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that >>bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety >>violation ticket. >> >>The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, >>that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" >> >>Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." >> >>The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the >>horse, instead of on top." >> >> ============================================================================ Christmas was rapidly approaching and things were not going well at all, at the North Pole. Why, only a week ago, some of the reindeer got into Santa's bar cabinet, got loaded, took "THE" official sled out and wrecked it! It's still in the repair shop even as we speak. And that's not the worst of his problems, even the North Pole has caught up with modern society. The elves formed a union, affiliated themselves with the Teamsters and are still out on a Wild Cat Strike that started over two weeks ago. So now, Santa's production schedule is a mess and some toys may not even be ready for Christmas. Then Monday morning of Christmas week, Mrs. Claus noticed Santa hadn't come down for breakfast yet and it was already 10am. So she put his breakfast on and went upstairs to see what was keeping him. She opened the door to their room and there he was, still sound asleep. He'd been working so hard trying to make up for the striking elves that he'd slept right through the alarm! Mrs. Claus woke him and then made the bed while he washed up and put his work pants on. As he opened their bedroom door to leave, he slipped on a skateboard accidentally left in the hall and went down hard on his back! "POOR SANTA!" lamented Mrs. Claus as she attempted to help him up; but no go. Santa's back was out. The Chiropractor Elf was called and came immediately and worked on Santa's back which finally started to respond. But by the time he and Mrs. Claus got downstairs to the kitchen, his breakfast resembled something Cajun - thoroughly blackened! As you can well imagine, Santa, by now, was fit to be tied! All of the sudden there was a knock at the kitchen door. Santa strolls over and opens the door. There standing before him with a beautiful tree, is the little angel he sent out yesterday to get his Christmas Tree. "Well it's about time!" he bellowed, obviously displeased it had taken so long! Unphased, the little angel spoke up and asked "So Santa, exactly where do you want me to put this tree?" And THAT'S how the little angel came to rest on TOP of the Christmas Tree! =========================================================================== Bad Seeing-Eye Dog A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." =========================================================================== A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. >> >>The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." >> >>The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. >> >>The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. >> >>Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but >>nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." >> >>The doctor was shocked, "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" >> >>The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!" >> >>(WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????) >> >> ============================================================================ Sisters of Mercy A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada When he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please Knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by Another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY ============================================================================= A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. Time passes, and MORE time passes and the boyfriend is still praying. Finally the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" ================================================================================ Here's today's joke! Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." [Today's joke was suggested by OXanimalOX] ================================================================================ From Gary 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!" =========================================================== I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older" but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes; they will sing Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast."-"I'm late."-"Where is my coat?" "I'm going to miss the bus." Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for office. When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful, "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?' Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and because it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, because we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks. ========================================================================= Two friends, call them John and Mary, were killed in a car crash and went directly to heaven. When they were met by St. Peter, they told him they had planned on getting married and asked if they could still get married. St. Peter disappeared for a year but when he returned he told the couple they could get married. Concerned about a marriage for all eternity, John asked if it would be possible to get a divorce if things didn't work out. That was too much for St. Peter, "It took me a year to find a minister here. How long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?" ========================================================================= > 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT > > 'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House, > All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse. > The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care, > In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair. > The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds, > While visions of perjury danced in their heads. > And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap, > Had just settled in for a long evening's nap. > When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter > They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter. > When what to their wondering eyes should appear > But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer. > With a Presidential address, so lively and quick, > They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick! > More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came, > And he whistled and shouted and called them by name: > "Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen! > On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!" > "From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall, > Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!" > And then the Republicans heard on the roof > The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. > As they scratched their heads and were turning around > The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound. > No longer was he eating from his humble pie, > While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky. > A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq, > It looked once again like Slick Willie was back. > His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! > His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. > His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, > And the hair on his head was as white as the snow. > The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth, > And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath. > He had a broad face and a little round belly > That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. > He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf, > And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves. > And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head > Soon gave them to know they had something to dread. > He spoke the right words and went straight to his work > Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk." > And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose, > By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose. > He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle, > Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile. > They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight, > "Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night." ========================================================================== A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" ============================================================================== A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker." ============================================================================== Lil' Darnell The department store Santa has little Darnell on his lap and says to him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Darnell. You want some t-o-y-s, he says, touching Darnell's nose with his finger as he spells out the word toys. "No, I've got plenty of toys." Replies Darnell. "Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa. "No, I've got all the games I want." came Darnell's reply. "Well Darnell, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you want?" asked Santa. "I want some p-u-s-s-y," Darnell replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!" ============================================================================== Penny Beer A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ============================================================================== I swear this is a true story.... At the beginning of the semester, my roommate and I got into a discussion about the wildest things we had ever done. My life being rather boring, my roommate did most of the talking. She told me about a terrible experience she had that knocked me half out of my bed when I heard it. Knowing what an interest most people have in chatting on the net, I thought you would all appreciate this as well. I asked my roommate if I could write it up. She didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is. An anonymous girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado. Like all college students, she was wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen is a computer science major and always has a lot of work to do on her computer. So, when she's not out having a good time, she'll be working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. Having recently broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. Feeling sad, alone and depressed, she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the Net, she decided to get on to a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged on a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as "Jeremy." She started playing with him, gave him a false name of "Katie," and started getting into details about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture herself being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for a while, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on line the following night. Saturday night rolls around and Jen, as 'Katie,' is on line with Jeremy again. They became even closer this night, and continued like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty but, after a few weeks, she found she really liked this guy. The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. "Katie" & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the Net. They were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together. Finally, the time had come: they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in a small Colorado town. They were finally going to see each other, and spend the weekend together. As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she had never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right; then she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied, "Katie?" "Yes," she said. He fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curdling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said........... "DAD?" ========================================================================== It's always fun to start off the New Year laughing at the stupidity of others! Makes us feel good that we're so smart. Now we may have seen one or more of these before, but they're still funny! SOME PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID!!!! A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ------------------------------------------------- more from San Francisco: ------------------------------------------------- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine. ------------------------------------------------- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. ------------------------------------------------- Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happed to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. ------------------------------------------------- Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended 30 year sentence. ------------------------------------------------- Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. ------------------------------------------------- Colorado Springs: Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. ------------------------------------------------- Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. ============================================================================== > Chores Before Breakfast > > A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his > mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little > boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does > his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the > chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he > kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. > He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry > cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any > milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick > a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you > don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you > aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father > comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into > the kitchen. > The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you > going to tell him, or should I?" ======================================================================== Here's your daily CyberCheeze - enjoy! A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers, "Tonight's the night!" [Today's joke was suggested by JulieH] =========================================================================== A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!" ========================================================================== Little Lucy Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy. =============================================================== Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago." =========================================================================== 1. Park your Car -------------------------------------------------------------------- Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay." Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay." Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage." 2. The Flight -------------------------------------------------------------------- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?" 3. Engine Repair -------------------------------------------------------------------- Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running." 4. Blonde Construction Workers -------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" 5. 2 Boy Kittens and 2 Girl Kittens -------------------------------------------------------------------- A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ======================================================================== >> Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans >> >> 10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns" >> >> 9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long" >> >> 8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?" >> >> 7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can >> Illegally Contribute To My Campaign" >> >> 6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife" >> >> 5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job" >> >> 4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!" >> >> 3. "From Perjury To Albany" >> >> 2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over >> It" >> >> 1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas" >> ============================================================================ > > ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD!! > > > Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer > > > Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death > > occurred > > > approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink > > bunny > > > that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie", as he was known to > his > > > friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency > > > autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, > Dura > > > Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest > induced > > > by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's > > > batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming... > > > ============================================================================ On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." ============================================================================= General thoughts on the Human Condition If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.-Dave Barry I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'-Larry Miller A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. sent them to her dad.-Christopher Case Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."-Bob Ettinger Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."-Sue Murphy The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.-Rita Mae Brown Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid the body before you do the wash.-Jerry Seinfeld Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.-Paul Rodriguez Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? * Lily Tomlin I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.-Jeff Stilson Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. .- Ellen DeGeneres I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.-Rita Rudner I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.-Carol Leifer I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.-Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.-Jackie Gleason The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.-Roger Simon I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.-Dave Edison Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.-William Coronel Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.-Oscar Wilde Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself.-Mark Twain ========================================================================== The Xmas Files by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely 37 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 PM, DECEMBER 24TH We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing. Look Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. You really think someone's been here? Someone, or SOMETHING. Mulder, over here, it's fruitcake. Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice." It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Who? What are you talking about? Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. But that's legend, Mulder -- A story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it? Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Unless I miss my guess, it came in through the fireplace. Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature land on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there. But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once You mean like a bowl full of jelly? Exactly, Scully. I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it somehow took on the facial features of my father. Impossible. I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD! I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. But we have no proof. Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. But that was a meteor shower. Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, DC. Nobody-- not even the zookeeper-- was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to ensure another silent night. Mulder, I-- Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like... a clatter. The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter. =========================================================================================== Office Prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. ================================================================= 666 - Number of the Beast. Ranma 1/666 - Favorite anime of the Beast 666.13 - Number of mitzvot for the Beast 668 - Neighbor of the Beast Sweet 666 - Special birthday for Daughter of the Beast 660 - Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast 666.00000 - Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast 1/666 - Common Denominator of the Beast 666[-/(-1)] - Imaginary number of the Beast 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 29A - Hexidecimal of the Beast * 666 - Negative number of the Beast 00666 - Zip code of the Beast $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast $646.66 - Next week's Wal-Mart price of the Beast Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast Route 666 - Way of the Beast Brute 666 - Detour on Way of the Beast 666i - BMW of the Beast IAM 666 - License plate number of the Beast 665 - Older brother of the Beast 667 - Younger brother of the Beast 6-6-6 - Fertilizer of the Beast 666lb cap - Weight limit of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for cooking roast of the Beast "Beast" 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66% - 5 year CD rate at First Beast of Hell $666 - minimum deposit. 1-800-666-6666 - Toll free number of the Beast Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast 666 MHz - Clock speed for the Mac of the Beast Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast 666 x 666 - Printer resolution of the Beast 666-66-6666 - Social Security Number of the Beast 666.AC.com - URL of the Beast Formula 666 - All Purpose Cleaner of the Beast WD-666 - Spray Lubricant of the Beast 66.6 MHz - FM radio station of the Beast 666 KHz - AM Radio station of the Beast Beastie Boys - Favorite rock group of the Beast The beast made me do it..... ================================================================================ Noah's Ark in the Present Day And the Lord spoke to Noah & said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people & two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark." In a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay", said Noah, trembling with fear & fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months & it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd betterh have the ark ready or be able to swim very well for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up & rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard, weeping & there was no finished ark. "Noah", shouted the Lord "where is the ark?" "Lord, please forgive me" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems." First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, & Your plans didn't meet the codes, so I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans." "Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a sprinkler system." "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the planning commission." "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the fish & wildlife department that I needed the wood to save the owls. But then they wouldn't let me catch any owls, so no owls." "The carpenters formed a union & went on strike, so I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone could pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat & still no owls." "Then I started gathering up animals & got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind." "Just when I got the suit dismissed,the EPA informed me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on the proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being." "Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain, so I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission over how many Croatians I am supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I am trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country & I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I don't see how I can finish the ark for at least another five years." The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up & smiled. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth?", Noah asked hopefully. "No" said the Lord, "the government already has." ========================================================================================== Smart Dogs Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, had a shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed, that was fucking brilliant. ==================================================================================== Here's a long one but well worth the read.... One day the old, infirm chief decided it was time for his daughters to marry. He put on a huge party and invited braves from miles around to come and check out the goods. And the next dawn, he called everyone together and said, "Now you know my daughters, and my people, and me. Go forth and hunt, and whoever brings me beck the most wonderful, exotic pelt will have my oldest daughter." He said those who brought in other outstanding hides would get his other two daughters. Allow me to describe the daughters: The youngest daughter was very slender, a mere eighteen years old, and weighed no more than a hundred pounds. She was narrow of hip, and the braves thought she would have a hard time birthing warriors. However, she was an excellent cook, and the look in her eye told the braves she would make an satisfying wife. The middle daughter was of excellent birthing build, weighing around two hundred pounds. She was twenty, and had beautiful long hair -- the longest anyone had ever seen. She was not as good a cook as her sister, but she could ride and shoot, and would make a companionable wife for any warrior. Ah, but the oldest daughter. A warrior-princess, she had led the tribe's battles since she was sixteen years old. It was she who kept her father's position secure. She was a fearsome warrior, and her body was looked upon with desire by the indian men. A mighty three hundred pounds, she stood six and a half feet tall and there was not a man in the tribe who could best her in combat. However, she was not proud -- she was duty-driven, and would obey a husband. Competition would be fierce for this woman. The hunt was on. Days swam by, and word filtered in that this brave had met his doom in the canyons, and that brave had lost a fight with a bear. The days turned to weeks, and the daughters sadly considered the fact that there would be no suitors to marry them. Finally, after two weeks, a brave returned on foot. He was severely underweight, and badly wounded throughout his upper body. He dragged a great litter behind him, and upon it was the largest eagle anyone had ever seen. "Amazing!" cried the chief. The wingspan of the bird was wider than a horse was long, and the beak could fit a man's fist in whole. But the chief had seen great birds before. The brave was awarded the third daughter. In accordance with the tribe's matrimonial custom, he plucked and skinned the bird, cured the hide, and wove a great rug with the feathers and skin. The youngest daughter sat on the rug, to show to which hunter she now belonged. The next day, a brave returned. He had several men with him, and they dragged a great mound of fur and muscle. "What is that you have with you?" asked the chief, and the man brought the chief around the mountainous form to observe the beast's head. "Why, that's the largest bear I've ever seen!" exclaimed the chief. And in fact, none could recall, in legend or rumor, ever having heard of a bigger bear. "I killed him with my bare hands," said the brave. "We fought for three days, and at the end of the third day I broke his neck." The chief allowed that this was a wonderous story, but the fight had severely damaged the bear's pelt and meat, and so the brave was awarded the middle daighter. He too skinned his animal and made a great rug. The middle daughter sat upon the bearskin, glowing with the pride of her new husband. Another week passed. The oldest daughter began to worry that she would never marry, and would be doomed to fighting for all her days. One day the watchmen whooped. "A brave has returned!" they shouted. He was moving slowly, and was carrying a strange form. Many men, who looked nothing like any of the local tribes, helped him carry. "I made a boat and rode it through the wide waters," he explained to the chief. "Many days I thought I was lost for ever. There was no land in sight, and the water was unsuitable to drink. But I came upon some soil, and walked upon it, and found some potable water. In these waters lived this beast. I killed it with my spear, and had to build a bigger boat to bring it back. My new friends here helped me to carry it home, but I killed the beast myself." The chief was awestruck. No tribal lore had ever mentioned such an alien beast. The chief was moved to tears that this brave would go so far for his daughter. "You may have my oldest daughter," whispered the chief, and retired to his tent. The brave skinned this new animal, which the odd men called a "hip-po-pot-amus," and his bride sat upon it, looking at him with admiring eyes, for she had found a worthy husband at last. The celebration lasted three days. All the while, the chief sat in front of his tent, looking amongst his three daughter. The tribe pestered him with questions about his forbearance to celebrate, but he would not answer. He stood there, stroking his chin, looking thoughtful. Finally, the brave who had killed the hippopotamus took the cheif's hands. "Father, please tell me what troubles you! Your daughters are very worried. You done nothing but stare at them for three days!" The chief looked at the brave. "I noticed..." he said, and trailed off. "Yes?" said the brave. "I noticed, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."